True Blood - Notes for Alan and Charlene.

I am a fan of the Vampires. I just want to say that now.  I have been for quite awhile.  It all started when  I discovered The Lost Boys as a teeny tiny teen  - I went to see it 3 times in 1 week. I own it now, along with Near Dark, Kathryn Bigelow you rock ! Anne Rice, we laughed, we cried, well we cried when Tom Cruise was cast as Lestat in Interview w. a Vampire. We cried even more when we watched  Queen of the Damned. Actually there wasn't alot of laughing with you Anne but I loved all the homoerotic beautiful angsty vamps.  Of course I heart Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Joss Whedon is my homeboy. And my hero.While Twilight is utter pants. Vampires that sparkle in the sunlight - dear god that's just wrong, on so many levels. And The Vampire Diaries, well it's 90210 with fangs.

So now I have established my vampire loving credentials. I have to have a wee whinge about True Blood. I like it, I do. Sometimes I even love it. And I never miss an episode. But now that we are in Season 4, there are some things that have been bothering me that I need to address. Charlene Harris and Alan Ball will you please take the stand.

Firstly Charlene, as this is your fault entirely. Why do you kill off great characters?

Originally Lafayette is killed off after the first book.

Lafayette ??!! The bestus character in that show and no not just coz he's gay. He's beautiful, cool, interesting and totally fierce (I would never normally use that word being such an unhip middle class white chick) but in this case I think it's warranted. Whipping some hillbilly arse with a baseball bat and the serving of the "AIDS" burger to some more rednecks, fabulous. There are an awful lot of rednecks in Bon Temps and that is why we need Lafayette's mix of glam, ghetto and voodoo chic to balance things out. 

Thank you Alan for saving him.

Not so lucky was Godric who committed sun suicide in Series 2. Godric was a 2000 year old vampire that had reformed and gone all holy. He made a nice change from all the blood drenched fucking and feeding. AND he's Eric maker which means he's the only person Eric had to obey. I know Godric needed to die to make Eric  more sympathetic but I'm sure Alan, if you'd really tried you could have found some way around it. Couldn't he have just gone on long holiday, perhaps to a yoga retreat or to start a cult of vegetarian vamps?

*SIGH* At least we have flashbacks.

Secondly and here I'm not sure who's to blame,Charlene? Alan? Who doesn't kill off dull characters that have outlived their usefulness?

Sam for example. He had his glory moments in Season 2 with the wonderfully mad Maened Marianne and as Tommy's rescuer in Season 3. But now with Mr Calvin Klein aka Alcide as the the new "manimal" on the block, Sam is way redundant.  His only useful function as far as I can see is to run Merlottes, a staple set that TB could not do without. But he could leave half in his will to Tommy (love that nasty little runt) and half to Terry (love that sweet & crazy man) which would provide much opportunity for conflict and new storylines but leave the bar intact. So please Alan B, kill Sam off now.

Thank you "Hotel Tuesdays" for summing him up so perfectly.

Thirdly and here I know it's you Charlene. You can't hide from me. Why the bejesus is everyone in love with Sookie?

Sookie quite frankly is not all that. Ye - ah I said it ! (Whatcha gonna do hookah?) But she's not! She's not as beautiful or badass as Tara, not as beautiful or conflicted as Jessica and not as beautiful or deadly as the late Vampire Queen (another great character that bit the dust) RIP Sophie Anne. Sookie is in fact a rather wet mixture of sweet 80's and sassy 50's. I just don't get the appeal.

Why does she spend her whole life in love triangles? Or even love quadrangles.
Season 1 - Bill & Sam.
Season 2 - Bill & Eric.
Season 3 - Bill & Eric still , but enter Alicide.
Season 4 - Eric and Alcide. Is Bill still hangin on?
Season 5 - Eric and Alcide and probably no Bill, someone new will have come along.  Eric has been around for 4 triangles already, hey fella, give somebody else a go. (Not that I'm complaining about Eric )

Love triangles? Oh puh - lease, these have to be the most  overused and the MOST unimaginative device to create dramatic tension since the beginning of time (see Twilight, no don't see it coz it's lame) True Blood has decent characters with interesting, funny and freaky storylines so it doesn't need to stoop to this hackneyed device. Is it supposed to be some female fantasy Charlene? Coz it sure ain't ripping my nightie. I guess though, it's necessary to make romantic adjustments over time so the readers/watchers don't get bored of Sookie getting pounded by the same tired old vamp, wolf, thingamy wotever. But I do get so bored of being pounded by the same old romantic love triangles.

Fourthly and lastly ( bet you thought it would never end) What's with the ratio of hetty to homo sex?

And Alan the blame is squarely at your door, as YOU are the creator of the TV series and YOU have the power.  Even with the censorship laws and uptightness of the TV networks, Alan you must try harder ! You managed it in 6 Feet Under and True Blood  is aimed at much more "open minded " aka dodgy audience, so what the hell gives?!
Sookie took 2 sips of Eric's blood and then had long extended dream sequences of naked nookie time with Eric (not complaining ) BUT Lafayette drank about a pint of Eric's blood and only had small creepy dream sequences with zero Eric nookie. Lafayette mentioned in a throw away line to Sook that he had "weird sex dreams about Eric" which is not only bad exposition but why did we not see these weird sex dreams with LaLa &  Eric ? Hmmmmmmm??!!! Now complaining. Complaining VERY LOUDLY!!!

More, more, we want more !!!

Then  it took 3 whole seasons for Lafayette to even get a boyfriend! And now that he has, their sex life is all soft lighting and dressing gowns and tender romantic moments while the rest of the cast go at it like rabbits.Can you smell a double standard? Alan I demand equal amounts of rough shagging time for Lafayette and Jesus! Coz they're both way more beautiful and chemistried up than some of the annoying folks we have to watch do it. Not naming any names - Bill and randoms, Sam and randoms. Jason and everyone. All. The. Time. (Even before it was funny)

Hey I didn't put the silly heart there, it came that way.

So what have I learnt?
Nothing new. Same old, same old. I am sick of love triangles. And I'm sick of double standards. Heaps of naked women but god forbid we should see a stray penis. Grow up America ! I demand more hot gay sex or I will hold the last season (thank gawd it's the last) of Desperate Housewives hostage!  Please hire me to exec produce on Tru Blud immediately so I can make the necessary changes...Yeah Right.