Thank God for Graham Norton

Christmas and the New Year are a wasteland of Television. I know they think we should all be at the beach having barbi's and watching cricket but they haven't considered that          (A) - the weather is probably shite and (B) - I really hate cricket.
We are stuck with a line up of  terrible xmas repeats. How many times do we need to see Tim Allen in The Santa Clause? Answer : Never. How many times do we need to see The Santa Clause 2? Never ever EVER!

Please santa can u not give me a bowl cut this xmas?

And did you know they made four Santa Clause movies. FOUR ??!! Just goes to show that Hollywood is deranged and should be held accountable for Cruelty to Humans.

They also played the Vicar of Dibley Xmas Special. Again. Yes it was funny once but not EVERY year  (Probably the most interesting thing about the Dibley Xmas Special is that it stars Richard Amitage, who can also be spied eating breakfast at Maranui in between shooting The Hobbit.)

Hurry up and get my eggs benedict!

If we got fresh Christmas specials at the same time as Britain, it would be so MUCH better. But no, we must pine until Febuary. I think we did get the Doctor Who Spesh but that doesn't count because I do not like the new doctor. In truth, I have never watched a whole episode of  Doctor Who and the only reason I like the old doc and not the new guy  is because I've seen them both on The Graham Norton Show.   
 

Old Doctor : Hot !

New Doctor : Not.

Looking at them here, there isn't really much difference between them, they're both skinny white guys with brown hair and a right side parting.  It's the 21st century, isn't it about time  the Doctor was  Black or a Woman or a Transvestite? Or all three??!! That's why we need The Graham Norton Show, at the very least to tell the doctors apart.

The Graham Norton Show is my shining light in the darkness of Summer TV. My own little star of Bethleham.

While I waited impatiently for the fresh new crop of TV programmes to land, Graham Norton was my one true saviour and lord of the TV. He has the best chat show ever. It is the funniest, cheekiest and the most Un P.C. Don't you dare tell me Jonathan Ross is any kind of contender. He has a terrible lisp and if he ever stops twittering on about himself and lets the guest talk, the questions are so dull. Plus he looks like a pisstake of some 80's wanker.

Seriously ?!

Graham Norton, on the other hand asks all sorts of irreverent and entertaining and daft questions. You find out stuff  that isn't in the No Idea. Funny Stuff. Of course it’s partly scripted but with at least one Brit comedian in the guest mix and some decent couch chemistry, the ad lib stuff is a crack up.
It's the acid text for celebrities, it's when you find out if they have a sense of humour or not. If they have a personality or not. Yank stars tend to fare less well than the Brits because they are usually out of their comfort zone, espiecially when  it comes to sex.  Cher (she of the ridiculously suggestive outfits) had no idea what  "dogging" was (and if you don't know people, google it). Maybe it's all the surgery but I found her a po faced disappointment.

Dawn French get's it but Cher isn't sure.

I also have a new appreciation for Colin Farrell (more than just a floppy fringe) he is down to earth, funny and quite charming. I now undertsand why ladies are always jumping into his knickers.

Rhianna gets it too.

The show is not just about the stars, it also has bizarre & hilarious internet sites. So it's rather like browsing youtube with some famous people. Watch Eddie Izzard & Harry Shearer (The Simpsons) enjoy  Cats that look like Hitler It never gets old.
Then there are interactions with the audience, Diane Kruger (Inglourious Basterds) tries out her skills, while Matthew Fox (Lost)  squirms and John Bishop (Skins) gets all the best lines in Gay or European. 
Finally who can resist the 'Stories from the Red Chair' It's humiliating, it's painful and yet it's also hilarious, espiecially seeing which stars really get into it. Check out Adele & The Red Chair.

So what have I learnt?

A - It's a cruel cruel summer in TV land.
B - Box DVD sets of TV shows are my friend.
C - The Graham Norton Show  (online, repeating on UK TV and also on TV 3) is the gift that keeps on      giving.

Game of Thrones - The first half

For those of you who do not download on the down low, Game of Thrones is set in an 'alternate' fantasy universe where several clans are fighting for the crown. It is adapted from books of course. Could America pull an original TV/Movie idea out of it's butt if it had a gun to it's head? Doubt it...

I didn't expect much but the opening scene of Game of Thrones was brilliant! I love, love, loved it !! It was dark,scary,snowbound and bloody and the audience had no idea what was going on. I got tingles down to my toenails.
Unfortunately the first half of the series is nothing like that. It lapses into a mundane and manly story about an imminent war with 2 million references to past battles *YAWN* and barely any follow up delicious gothiness or oo-er fantasy stuff.

In the goodie camp there is a bunch of brunette/redheads called The Starks, they are lead by patriarch Sean Bean, right hand man of the King (a roarer, a rogerer, a gorger and not a puker, by the look of how fat he is).The King has gone all rancid coz his true love died a horrible death a long time ago  (She was Sean sister, it's all very tangled).


 

Sean is a good man badly in need of shampoo.

In the baddie camp is the hoity toity Queen and her suave twin brother. They are Lannisters, they have lashings of money and style and few morals. Though they pretend to be noice.

They know how to tone and condition.

While baddie number 3 is a Targaryen (arch enemy of the current king) and he is a nasty piece of pouty, poncy work.


Hair so white he makes me look like a natural blond.

He has forced his sister to marry the king of a primitive race, so he can have an army to cross the sea and over throw king fattie. This horse riding race is a hodge podge of Native American, buff Persian and Ming the Merciless, check out the matching eyebrow action and facial hair.

Kahl, king of the horse people.          

Ming the Merciless

Confused? You should be.

And I haven't gone into half the love/hate/battle and blood ties of the rest of them. It can't be done. I'll just stick to the basics. Like, who do I side with?

I was all ready to like the amoral and effete, they get the best lines and clothes and don't have to bother with boring things like caring and sharing BUT then all Sean kids get a pet wolf cub and I melt like butter on a hot crumpet.



Awwwwwwwwwwwww...

Arya, so cool.

Also the women are mostly shite (Hey dudes, it's an 'alternate' fantasy universe, why couldn't all the women be powerful fighters??!! No of course not, that would be way too alternative.) so Sean's tomboy headstrong daughter Arya is the only chick to identify with!
Yes she's bloody token! And she is pre teen so there is no feisty sexual tension with a hot guy *SIGH* . But at some point she will use her secret sword fighting lessons to kill creepy guys. Plus she had to let her pet wolf go, so I am awaiting a glorious reunion, which leaves me siding with the goodies goddammit!!
Also keeping me in the goodies camp is Snow, Sean's bastard son  (I know, it's ridiculously complicated but do try and keep up) Snow is honorable, handy with a sword and damn foxy. Can't resist him. So of course he's celibate.  *DOUBLE SIGH* .

Those lovely curls and that dangerous profession keep me hooked.

Snow has joined the "nightwatch" who live next to the wall.The wall is a bloody great big wall (well duh) of ice and snow and on the other side lie the dangers that the kingdom must be protected from. The dangers that come with Winter. Winter is no ordinary season that comes once a year. Oh no, in Game of Thrones, the winter can last for a generation. Summer has already lasted for 9 years but now winter is coming and the creepy things that live beyond the wall are coming with it. We got a tantalising glimpse of these things at the very beginning but it's been 5 episodes now and nothing more is happening than people doomfully intoning  "Winter is coming". Well why doesn't it fucking hurry up then!

Most shameful of all keeping me caring bout the good guys & gals is Daenerys (sister of baddy number 3) who has married the horse lord. Yes it's horribly Mills and Boon or should that be Mills and Bone? It's gone from rape to seduction to affection. *SHUDDER* Anyway trashy and cheesy as it is, it's damn satisfying to see her stop being such a doormat and tell her mincing bro where to get off !

But I'm so tiny and bwonde and you're so big...

Daenerys is also the only hope for cool dragon stuff as no other magic exists in this universe. *TRIPLE SIGH*  Dragons are a long time dead but they were once ridden by the coolest and the baddest - arsest of her ancestors. And she just so happens to have some  "ornamental" dragon eggs in her possesssion. Nudge, Nudge, Wink wink.We know it's only a matter of time.

I think you need to be a BIT bigger for me to ride you.

But again, it's too much bloody waiting!!  And in the meantime there is only crude violence which is tacky and unconvincing and alot of rooting, mostly doggy style (obviously they haven't heard of the female orgasm in this 'alternate' universe either) nor have they heard of a sense of humour.

Oh yes there is bawdyness aplenty and ye olde taverne jokes which have the characters guffawing but not, this audience. And Tyrion Lannister, dwarf brother to the wicked blond twins (are you still with me? ) seems to be  the only person in the series with a sense of irony. Shame. A little more irony would go a long way.
Also Game of Thrones is verily lacking in the decadence department, it ticks off the bare minimum of vices ( incest & sodomy) has no orgies and not nearly enough lushness, opulence or budget to be really debauched. It just comes across as alot of talk and a plethora of whores. Some of whom are highly intelligent and ask all the right questions to advance plot. Most of whom, just run around half naked, giggling. *YAWN* *AGAIN*

You need to watch La Reine Margot if you want to see how truely nasty royals behave and manage to be both repugnant and sexy at the same time.

La Reine Margot and "friend".

                               

This lot would eat the G.O.T peeps for breakfast.

So what have I learnt?

Firstly the blonder you are (minus the exception that proves the rule) the wickeder you are.
Secondly the better dressed and refined you are, the wickeder you are.
Thirdly, if you're dark skinned you're a savage. Racist much.
Fourthly, if your female character has any power that doesn't relate to the bedroom or marriage, you're either too young or you've got dragon connections.
Fifthly, if you're hot, you're probably not going to be getting laid anytime soon.
And lastly, wolves or Huskies  pretending to be wolves, will turn me to jello every friggin time.

But  will I keep watching?
Let's see... There is no good old fashioned sexual tension, bubbling under the surface. No characters I want to get together. Everyone is already shagging. There is no animosity boiling away either, we know who hates who and who wants who dead. There is nothing to deliciously savour and wait for.  Except the dragons and winter and they are WAY overdue! (The coming war doesn't count. War is boring. I can't do war. Not now, not in olden times, and espiecially not in fantasy times. Have you forgotten the horror that was LOTR 11 & 111?)
Can I really hang around for 5 more episodes just for a proper glimpse of this delightful creature??

You tell me...

True Blood - Help, they're killing Eric...

OK so you thought my True Blood rant was over. Well so did I. But after episode 8, I cannot keep quiet!
Am I the only person left gagging after Sookie & Eric's fantasy romp in the woods? I know they are laying it on with a cement mixer because it cannot last BUT surely this is taking things too far. Is it not cruel enough that Eric is wandering around in Jason's cast offs with his hair as limp as his current personality.

Look at how lame he looks in comparison to season 2...

   

  And Season 3.....

Being Sookie's main man means no black leather and no hair product. And no one, I repeat NO ONE, looks good with soft fluffy duckling hair. I know this from bitter personal experience.
(We don't talk about season 1 because that was pre - haircut and pre sexy Eric. Forget the leather, it's all about the hair!)

They were doing OK though, with the chains and the drinking blood and Eric growling  've must be one' BUT then they had to go ruin it by frolicking  into an R rated Narnia winter wonderland.



I say, anyone for a threesome?

I half expected  Mr Tumnus to pop up and say "Anyone fancy a cup of tea?"

He's half man, half something else so he should be right up Sookie's alley (no pun intended) but I do fear for his gentle soul in the True Blood universe.





Just  when you think it can't get any worse, it does. A bed in the middle of the woods with conveniently placed bits of fur and they're raving on about you and me and possible and love and OHMIGOD someone just poke my eyes out so I don't have to watch the horror, the horror...


It's like a tacky Swedish ad. Skarsgard Vodka keeps you cool and fuels your fire.

I want sexy Eric back. Mean Eric. Nasty Eric. Eric who can't express his feelings !
Remember season 2 when Sookie says "Godric is your maker" Eric retorts " Don't use words you don't understand". Sookie then says "You love him" and Eric says " Don't use words I don't understand"
Ahhhhhhhhhhh those were the days. The days of repression and sexual tension. The days of spiky dialogue and spikier hair product. When Sookie's dreams of Eric were a hell of a lot sexier than the 'reality' we are forced to witness now.

So what have I learnt?
That what I want doesn't count for a hill of beans, as we all know Sexy Eric is only coming back at the end of the series.
And that I must try and rein in my hopes (and my bile) as next week (what fresh hell is this) Eric will probably decide to throw Sookie a tea party then they'll braid each others hair and make daisy chains, it's enough to make me want to bawl my eyes out.

Know wot I mean...

True Blood - Notes for Alan and Charlene.

I am a fan of the Vampires. I just want to say that now.  I have been for quite awhile.  It all started when  I discovered The Lost Boys as a teeny tiny teen  - I went to see it 3 times in 1 week. I own it now, along with Near Dark, Kathryn Bigelow you rock ! Anne Rice, we laughed, we cried, well we cried when Tom Cruise was cast as Lestat in Interview w. a Vampire. We cried even more when we watched  Queen of the Damned. Actually there wasn't alot of laughing with you Anne but I loved all the homoerotic beautiful angsty vamps.  Of course I heart Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Joss Whedon is my homeboy. And my hero.While Twilight is utter pants. Vampires that sparkle in the sunlight - dear god that's just wrong, on so many levels. And The Vampire Diaries, well it's 90210 with fangs.

So now I have established my vampire loving credentials. I have to have a wee whinge about True Blood. I like it, I do. Sometimes I even love it. And I never miss an episode. But now that we are in Season 4, there are some things that have been bothering me that I need to address. Charlene Harris and Alan Ball will you please take the stand.

Firstly Charlene, as this is your fault entirely. Why do you kill off great characters?

Originally Lafayette is killed off after the first book.

Lafayette ??!! The bestus character in that show and no not just coz he's gay. He's beautiful, cool, interesting and totally fierce (I would never normally use that word being such an unhip middle class white chick) but in this case I think it's warranted. Whipping some hillbilly arse with a baseball bat and the serving of the "AIDS" burger to some more rednecks, fabulous. There are an awful lot of rednecks in Bon Temps and that is why we need Lafayette's mix of glam, ghetto and voodoo chic to balance things out. 

Thank you Alan for saving him.

Not so lucky was Godric who committed sun suicide in Series 2. Godric was a 2000 year old vampire that had reformed and gone all holy. He made a nice change from all the blood drenched fucking and feeding. AND he's Eric maker which means he's the only person Eric had to obey. I know Godric needed to die to make Eric  more sympathetic but I'm sure Alan, if you'd really tried you could have found some way around it. Couldn't he have just gone on long holiday, perhaps to a yoga retreat or to start a cult of vegetarian vamps?

*SIGH* At least we have flashbacks.

Secondly and here I'm not sure who's to blame,Charlene? Alan? Who doesn't kill off dull characters that have outlived their usefulness?

Sam for example. He had his glory moments in Season 2 with the wonderfully mad Maened Marianne and as Tommy's rescuer in Season 3. But now with Mr Calvin Klein aka Alcide as the the new "manimal" on the block, Sam is way redundant.  His only useful function as far as I can see is to run Merlottes, a staple set that TB could not do without. But he could leave half in his will to Tommy (love that nasty little runt) and half to Terry (love that sweet & crazy man) which would provide much opportunity for conflict and new storylines but leave the bar intact. So please Alan B, kill Sam off now.

Thank you "Hotel Tuesdays" for summing him up so perfectly.

Thirdly and here I know it's you Charlene. You can't hide from me. Why the bejesus is everyone in love with Sookie?

Sookie quite frankly is not all that. Ye - ah I said it ! (Whatcha gonna do hookah?) But she's not! She's not as beautiful or badass as Tara, not as beautiful or conflicted as Jessica and not as beautiful or deadly as the late Vampire Queen (another great character that bit the dust) RIP Sophie Anne. Sookie is in fact a rather wet mixture of sweet 80's and sassy 50's. I just don't get the appeal.

Why does she spend her whole life in love triangles? Or even love quadrangles.
Season 1 - Bill & Sam.
Season 2 - Bill & Eric.
Season 3 - Bill & Eric still , but enter Alicide.
Season 4 - Eric and Alcide. Is Bill still hangin on?
Season 5 - Eric and Alcide and probably no Bill, someone new will have come along.  Eric has been around for 4 triangles already, hey fella, give somebody else a go. (Not that I'm complaining about Eric )

Love triangles? Oh puh - lease, these have to be the most  overused and the MOST unimaginative device to create dramatic tension since the beginning of time (see Twilight, no don't see it coz it's lame) True Blood has decent characters with interesting, funny and freaky storylines so it doesn't need to stoop to this hackneyed device. Is it supposed to be some female fantasy Charlene? Coz it sure ain't ripping my nightie. I guess though, it's necessary to make romantic adjustments over time so the readers/watchers don't get bored of Sookie getting pounded by the same tired old vamp, wolf, thingamy wotever. But I do get so bored of being pounded by the same old romantic love triangles.

Fourthly and lastly ( bet you thought it would never end) What's with the ratio of hetty to homo sex?

And Alan the blame is squarely at your door, as YOU are the creator of the TV series and YOU have the power.  Even with the censorship laws and uptightness of the TV networks, Alan you must try harder ! You managed it in 6 Feet Under and True Blood  is aimed at much more "open minded " aka dodgy audience, so what the hell gives?!
Sookie took 2 sips of Eric's blood and then had long extended dream sequences of naked nookie time with Eric (not complaining ) BUT Lafayette drank about a pint of Eric's blood and only had small creepy dream sequences with zero Eric nookie. Lafayette mentioned in a throw away line to Sook that he had "weird sex dreams about Eric" which is not only bad exposition but why did we not see these weird sex dreams with LaLa &  Eric ? Hmmmmmmm??!!! Now complaining. Complaining VERY LOUDLY!!!

More, more, we want more !!!

Then  it took 3 whole seasons for Lafayette to even get a boyfriend! And now that he has, their sex life is all soft lighting and dressing gowns and tender romantic moments while the rest of the cast go at it like rabbits.Can you smell a double standard? Alan I demand equal amounts of rough shagging time for Lafayette and Jesus! Coz they're both way more beautiful and chemistried up than some of the annoying folks we have to watch do it. Not naming any names - Bill and randoms, Sam and randoms. Jason and everyone. All. The. Time. (Even before it was funny)

Hey I didn't put the silly heart there, it came that way.

So what have I learnt?
Nothing new. Same old, same old. I am sick of love triangles. And I'm sick of double standards. Heaps of naked women but god forbid we should see a stray penis. Grow up America ! I demand more hot gay sex or I will hold the last season (thank gawd it's the last) of Desperate Housewives hostage!  Please hire me to exec produce on Tru Blud immediately so I can make the necessary changes...Yeah Right.

Misfits 1 & 2 - the Ecstasy & the Agony

Misfits, Series 1 blew my mind but Series 2 broke my heart. The ecstasy of series 1 and the subsequent agony of series 2 has left me to this day, deeply scarred and wondering what went wrong? The writer/creator didn’t change, the directors didn’t change and none of the main characters left.  The kind of pain that Series 2 inflicted is not usually experienced till after Series 3 when the writers run out of fresh ideas and/or the characters leave school. (A series that starts in school, should stay in school. Watch Buffy  if you don’t believe me)

So Misifts, is about teens, I am horribly addicted to teens but especially Brit teens (As in Shameless & sometimes Skins) as they are always doing more sex, drugs, and swearing (in better accents)  than their clean and shiny Yankee counterparts. Plus the soundtrack is bound to be better. So 5 teens shoved together doing community service is tasty enough BUT struck by lightning and given freakish super powers, then my cup overfloweth!

My particular faves, the obnoxious pretty boy.                               

Bad Sweater but look at that skin, that hair, those eyes.

And the tough chick who won’t take any shit but is an inner softy.

And there was  more than the token black person. Alas there was no token gay boy but such was the brilliance of Series 1, I didn’t care. If you know me, you know this is HUGE !!! I consider it a prerequisite that at least one person (of either gender) is gay. And in an ideal world two, not including love interests and randoms.I know, I know, I’m living in a dream world…

               Alisha               Curtis                    Kelly                    Nathan                  Simon

All the characters on Misfits 1 were damned appealing because they were hapless and real and unheroic. They had great cast chemistry & tension even without their superpowers. The powers themselves were erratic, weird and mostly unfun. Misfits 1 stayed away from the superhero clichés, there was no big baddie to overcome, no creepy government organisations to elude, no world saving, no media coverage, and no cheesy time travel. (Time travel was exceptionally uncheesy)
It brilliantly mixed Sci Fi/Action with Drama/Comedy. It was dark, tense, crass, touching and fucking hilarious in a way that has never quite been done before. And maybe (*SOB*) never will be again.


And then came series 2  (Drumroll of doom and Spoiler Alert)
The whole thing went down the toilet. Cheesy world saving, naff heroism, naff time travel, naff media coverage & even a naff super hero costume joke.

 

Unlike the first season which explored each character and their powers more deeply in a single episode, Series 2 just has a different ‘baddie of the week’ and it becomes (excuse my bad pun) increasingly weak. The group becomes separated from the “real” world. Killing by accident or in self defence, no longer has any consequences so much of the tension, humour and believability (Is that a real word? ) is lost.

Kelly & Curtis just stagnate. Nathan becomes so obnoxious he ceases to be likeable or even pretty. He becomes a gross out caricature (which would be fine but this is not The Inbetweeners) and loses his vulnerable side.  In one “amusing” (NOT) episode twist, he thinks he’s in love with a boy. I should have been over the moon at this faux gayness but I didn’t even enjoy it a little bit coz by then, Nathan  is beyond the pale. See pic below..

Not even a little bit sexy.

Sexual tension that had been set up between  Kelly & Nathan goes nowhere AND sexual activity with future cool hero Simon and party girl Alisha comes out of nowhere.

So there is a now a Future cool Simon + a Present day nerdy Simon  which =  naff heroism and  naff time travel that makes my brain hurt. And when future Simon has to go, hotstuff Alisha falls for weird present day Simon which is totally unbelievable. Plus they miss a massive opportunity for humour and disbelief from the rest of the gang, it is just blithely accepted. Alas they are no longer much of a gang, as less time is spent on the group dynamic and more on their separate & lame storylines. By the Xmas episode, I was weeping into my gin, I mean tea. But I might as well have downed a whole bottle of gin for all the misery Series 2 caused me.

And series 3 is still to come. Part of me hopes that it could rise again like a phoenix from the ashes  (hey it happens, look at Greys Anatomy) but more likely it will drop to new lows especially as Nathan aka Robert Sheehan aka the pretty white boy is departing for a big movie career.

I don't hold out much hope for his career, as he was in this AND it was SHIT ! And he was SHIT in it! And don't be fooled by the suggestive poster, it’s about as raunchy as an episode of  Gilmore Girls. In fact Gilmore Girls is dead sexy when compared to this movie. (Rupert Grint was OK though, so fans of his need not be worried about his post HP career, he will be alright.)






But will I be alright after the further agony that is Misfits Series 3? I can't not watch it. That would be like turning away from a car crash (actually I find it quite easy to turn away from car crashes I am very squeamish) but not TV programmes that I used to love. Exhibit A -  I watched ALL of Skins 5 which was total and utter shit ! The demographic of 16 - 25 years olds were driving away in droves but not me, I hung on through 8 epsiodes with barely a glimmer of light in the hope of these two tortured and beautiful characters hooking up.

Franky and Matty

Matty and Franky

And they did. They fucking did! Exquisitely so !!

So what have I learnt from this?
NEVER watch anything live. Always, always always be able to use the fast forward button.
And that I will hang in there with any series even if it is on a downward slide into pantsville if there is one or two beautiful pieces of eyecandy. Even more so if that eyecandy is going to hook up. I am a sucker for the angsty eyecandy. (Not a sucker of, coz that's just getting weird...)